Growth, People! Growth!
A couple of days ago I got some really bad news. Some painful, cringe-worthy, gut wrenching, truly terrible news. I thought I was going to lose someone I loved. I went into a tailspin of emotion. I literally collapsed on my bathroom floor wailing. I remembered this feeling. I’ve been on the bathroom floor before. Wailing. Crying out in pain. Asking God why. I have to write about it because it’s real and I am not afraid to go there, into the darkness of the cycle of life that we ALL share and accept it because I know that’s how healing happens.
Why am I even sharing my secrets right now? Because. Growth, people! Growth :)
After emptying the contents of my tear ducts for about 24 hours, I came to a few realizations. First of all, this feeling I remembered, it was the exact feeling I had when my dad passed two years ago (He would have turned 71 this week). When he passed, I spent a lot of time on the floor of the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom, really all the rooms. I would just collapse and go into a crying fit. On the day of his funeral, I got so emotionally spun out, that I drank myself into a blackout and spent the night clutching the toilet (tmi, but someone out there can relate!) and woke up the next day, you guessed it, on the bathroom floor crying!
Back to this time.
What I realized this time is how easy it is to be in the flow and happy and joyful when everything in your life is lining up and no one is ill, or dead, or broken-up with, or cheated on, or in jail, or whatever horrible thing is happening right now and seemed to just come right the fuck out of NOWHERE...you get the picture.
I had forgotten just how damn lucky I have it right now (so many of us have it like this right now) and that all the spiritual work and all the growth i’m leaning into, the asking for guidance, the following my heart, the feeling gratitude for the people in my life, the healing, nurturing, and the blessings I have, this is all preparation for the real shit that is bound to happen. Life is not all daisies and sweet baby toes, and butterfly kisses, and unicorn glitter magic (well...it kind of is) and we know that, but knowing that is a reminder of how damn lucky we are to be alive right now. SO LUCKY!
This time, I am reminded of the people who are going through something inconceivable to most right now. The people who are really going through tough times. My heart is right there with you. I know this pain. It is like being ripped wide open on display for the world to see. The people going through struggle right now have become my role models. If it is you, and you are reading this, thank you for being a guide and a legit inspiration for all of us. Know that I am in the background cheering you on and praying for ease in your grieving. You are angels.
There is a great quote in a recent blog post from one of my favorite people, Sarah Wolf, that really hits deep for me. It goes like this, "You have been assigned this mountain so others know it can be moved."
Right? So. Good.
For me, this grieving brings up some old stuff. Some of my own mountains, struggles, and ways of being that don’t serve my own healing. The crying is not what I’m talking about. Holy healthy! If you need to cry, please, please, please, get that shit out! It needs to go somewhere. What I’m referring to is my old gang of unhelpful brain friends, my Eating Disorder thoughts! Yup. When I am in pain, the thing my brain resorts to is “protecting me” the exact same ways it did when I was a child. When I say “protecting me,” what I really mean is helping me cope with (or suppress) pain I’m in. That protection seems really nice, but it’s actually quite detrimental to my well being. This week I started to subconsciously spend a few more seconds looking in the mirror, sending myself negative thoughts, questioning if I was eating too much, plotting my next meal (not in an excited to eat kind of way- in a -maybe I can cut out everything but the protein kind of way- maybe I don’t need dinner tonight- kind of way-maybe I can just fast tomorrow- kind of way). Not healthy, babe.
Then something miraculous happened. Something just clicked. I finally got it! Oh my goodness! That was not a healthy thought. Then. That was not a healthy thought! Then, woah, that thought doesn’t sound like it would come from someone whose purpose on earth is to embody self-love and inspire others to do the same! It was SO exciting to be on the other side, watching the old patterns arise and being beyond that place of feeling trapped and needing to feel in control when life feels out of control. To those of you in any sort of recovery, I know you know what I’m talking about and HANG IN THERE, boos. You are doing great! Little by little. Day by day. Being compassionate to whatever arises.
I learned this week how much I have grown and for that, I am on cloud nine and feeling blessed AF because it means we ALL have the capacity to get past our unloving habits and move into a place of compassion no matter what we face.
This week I re-learned how quickly our lives can get “out of control” and how quickly we will need to honor and embrace all the feels that arrive. I am re-committing to being in a place of heart centered action and thought right now. I am counting my blessings and soaking in every moment. I am reminded that I won’t have everyone in my life forever, and I am doing my best to just be in the moment with the ones I have now. I am nurturing and nurturing and nurturing some more and choosing life and growth in this moment and hoping you, whoever you are, are doing the same. Thank you. I love you. I really, really, really do.