The Biggest Secret No One Tells You About Intimacy, Shame And Mind-Blowingly Magical Relationships
The Biggest Secret No One Tells You About Intimacy, Shame And Mind-Blowingly Magical Relationships:
And How The New Moon Can Support Your Conscious Love Revolution
Before we begin, I'd like to stress that I am not just talking about romantic relationships...I am talking about relationship with Self, with friends, with family, etc.... all the relationships. Romantic relationship is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
Have you ever found yourself in a new relationship, totally swept away with the bliss of it all? When those swooshing waves of love hit you, it feels a little like being on hallucinogens (I'm just guessing here), doesn’t it? The trees seem greener, flowers seem to bloom just for you, the sky is bluer and clearer than before, lemon water tastes like Hi-C lemonade and you can’t help but wonder why everyone else is in such a bad mood when life is just So Amazing! When you are in love, the world is your playground. You forget your worries and get plunked into la la land to be a fairy dancing with the fireflies for just a blip in time.
And then it hits you. REALITY. Your subconscious inner world that simply cannot be escaped no matter how good the kissing is. Sometimes it creeps up on you like that summons to jury duty you forgot you had or that parking ticket you never paid, leaving you with anxiety and annoyance up the wazoo.
As I enter into new relationships in my life, I remember what new love feels like and how we can get so swept up in the romance of it all, that when the painful pimple of reality pops up, it paralyzes us, frustrates us and makes us feel like this whole thing called love just isn't worth it. If you are anything like me, sometimes you just want to hide and run away never to have to deal with any of it ever again.
This shows up differently for everyone of course. Yes, we are all living very different lives, but we all experience the wounds of life as they are simply inescapable (and I wouldn't want to escape them because they are all opportunities to feel, live fully and grow).
I’ve spent most of my life running away and hiding from my ickiest feelings. Hiding in the prison of secrecy and shame. These emotions and thoughts are only experienced in my inner world. No one would know the weight of it unless I told them, and no one could possibly understand or truly feel the pain of my (and your?) internal suffering even if they tried. This is unique to you and I, but SO universal at the same time. When shame shows up, my whole body shuts down, it's hard to breathe and I feel like i'm trapped under an avalanche of boulders.
I'm going to get really honest here. My shame is layered. I have my own theatrically woven tapestry of it. It shows up out of nowhere like a scary centipede out of the sink when you are just trying to wash your dishes (yes, this did happen to me this morning!)
Stay with me because it's about to get real.
When I was about 8 years old, I started keeping secrets. I didn't know this at the time, but my Moon sign is Cancer (check out this link if you want to learn about what the heck that even means) and it turns out Cancers, as well as all other water signs have a really hard time expressing their feelings (crabs have a protective shell for a reason!). They feel very deeply and tend to move towards addiction (food, pot, television, drinking, escape in its many forms) and away from sharing when they feel threatened. They want to numb out and escape the intensity of it all.
I had a pretty challenging time in grade school. I was not only bullied, but also taunted, harassed and violated to the point of wanting to escape my life and leave this planet. These experiences were all based around my looks and my body. I was what you would call 'a tomboy' at the time and I was very heavy for my stature. Not only was I usually the biggest girl in the room, I was also the roughest around the edges and the only Jewish girl in my town. The name calling was endless.
I never spoke about any of this to anyone growing up. Total secrecy. Total shame. I took everything I experienced and pushed it deep inside, where I could forget it even existed. I needed some way to soothe my secret shame, so everyday when I got home from school, I would binge eat. I filled my void with bagels or pasta or sugar. You don't want the details, trust me, but just know that I ate to the point of vomiting (unintentionally) often and ate in one day what most people eat in three. All of this was done in complete secrecy and in private when no one was home to see me. As I grew up, my disordered eating transformed into dieting, diet pill popping, restricting and eventually Anorexic behaviors, which led me to lose my period and go through numerous illnesses.
I truly do not wish anything was different in my life. Having those experiences has brought me down the yellow brick road of self-care, nurturing and self-love in my adulthood and it's led me to have so much compassion. I finally get to feel and I get to do what I love and be fully and unapologetically who I am every single day.
However, I do feel that had I been able to share my experiences and feelings with someone else or had the knowledge to journal my feelings and get the held trauma and tension out of my body, things would have been different.
Back to falling in love. Don't worry, I am going somewhere with this.
When I find myself in an intimate relationship with someone, I start to blossom open like a precious pink rose. I feel so much elation in every cell of my body that it is like I have become spring. I am the flower. I am the earth. I am the sparkling mist!
Everything is rosy until...I get triggered. When I get triggered by what seems to be the silliest thing (and this happens all the time as other people are often reflections of what needs healing in our subconscious), I feel myself back at age 8, silent, shut down and paralyzed. I can't share. I am not able to express my thoughts and I want to get the heck out of dodge. "This isn't love!," my fear body screams to my already anxious mind.
With all the healing I (We) have done, we have to respect and be honest about the ways in which shame and secrecy still show up in our lives if we want to be in authentic relationship to ourselves and others.
It's time to step up our Self-Love game.
Deborah Silverman (my all time favorite psychotherapist astrologer), says that we have to make the unconscious, conscious in order to heal.
Healing happens when you decide to deeply connect to yourself (inner world and all) and choose to soften the shame that comes with being human.
Bringing love and acceptance and a heaping dose of compassion works magic on bringing light to the shadow within us all.
If it seems too simple and silly and too easy to say to yourself, "I forgive you and I love you," most likely you are resisting the release. You are human and the human brain is addicted to what could go wrong. Let's not focus on that here, okay? I don't want to waste anyone's time.
Personally (this is just my experience), I needed to verbally express and free my 'shameful, embarrassing and painful' thoughts. A thought like, "I am jealous of so and so because she is pretty," are so humiliating to admit that it feels like I am going to die when I let them out of my mouth, but I am still here, so I guess that fear is not real! We all have thoughts we don’t like. The task is not to let them define who we are.
The things I have been most embarrassed to say have been the same exact things that have given me the most emotional freedom and have cultivated the strongest connections in my partnerships.
Secrecy and shame will keep you in a victimhood state. Shame keeps you prisoner in your mind. The worst part about it is that the whole thing is an illusion. There is nothing wrong with any of us! Most of us were tricked to believe that we were too weird, or gross, or loud, or big or small, or ugly or pretty, or hungry or quiet or insert-not-good-enough-or-too-much-of-thing-here by someone else who was tricked to believe the same.
It is time to reclaim your power and OWN your shame.
I need to speak my fears in order to free them, maybe you need something different. However you get there, just know that releasing the shame will unshackle you from the illusion of fear and not being 'good enough.'
Releasing shame (putting words to your feelings and setting them free) expands your capacity to love yourself and others and plugs you into Source (the energy of life - the energy that grows trees and blows the breeze!)
We are all supposed to be exactly as we are. Nothing needs to change about the core of our being. We are meant to be here on this earth, shining our own special light and becoming more of ourselves everyday. That is the kind of freedom I pray for myself, my loved ones, my partners, people I don't like, villains....everyone!
The thing is that real love (self-love and all other love) is completely and utterly and gorgeously and juicily UNCONDITIONAL and freaking HARD and so WORTH IT.
There is no thought that you can have, thing you can do or have done or mistake that can be made that will make you any less worthy and lovable. This is the secret that no one tells you. The way to have incredible, mind blowing and magical relationships is to not be afraid of expressing your whole truth (shame and all). This is a call for everyone to be fully and utterly t h e m s e l v e s! Take the power away from victimhood and plug into your worth. We are connected to the divine and this energy runs through every cell in our body in perfect symphony. You are worthy, beautiful, intelligent and magical and the world needs the gifts you are here to bring.
I feel this New Moon in Taurus (paired with Uranus’s transition into Taurus) has a unique spin on it's usual quiet earthy request. This is a bolder kind of Taurus moon. This moon asks us to steadily and lusciously love ourselves and the prism of who we are in mind, body and spirit. Radical Self-Loves requires that we adore the embarrassing, messy, icky, surprising, unfolding, delightfully beautiful parts of ourselves in all their awakened glory.
It takes effort to take that first baby step, to do or say the thing you least want to express, but the reward is AUTHENTICITY, CONNECTION and INTIMACY. Relationships that are abundant, fruitful and fabulous beyond our wildest dreams.